Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
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