A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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