I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
