"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
