Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
