He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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