oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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