So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
