dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize