remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
