you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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