OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize