I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
