Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I have post one night stand depression
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