I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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