She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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