Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
