I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The beer is more important than you right now.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
