and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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