and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
