May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
