I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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