My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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