I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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