i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
