I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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