I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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