I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
