areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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