Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
