cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
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