Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
