We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
