apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
