News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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