Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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