9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
