she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
