Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
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