Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
