im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
