I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
These tits shall not be calmed
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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