What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
