we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
