"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
