i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
