I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
