I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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