watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Randomize
