i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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