life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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