Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
