You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
