I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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