Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
