You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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